How small evil things escaping from hot boxes are mugging the air.
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First posted ABC Pool Climate Group
here 23.11.09
The image above or below or wherever, is of a tasteless, odourless, colourless invisible gas. Enjoy. Well-orchestrated men in dark suits, who care for their violins in proper cases, will shortly be phoning from Copenhagen and offering to bury lots of it for you. Sequester now and avoid all unpleasantness.
Another
incisive Closeburn Signal Station Report
The tale of how small evil things escaping from hot boxes are beating up the atmosphereor,
The Legend of the First CognitistOnce upon a time there was a very old man. In his youth he had wanted to become famous by finding out useful things and telling the world, but his granddad forget to tell him there was a catch. It is no good just having fine ideas. You had to get someone to lend you a large beagle, someone else to agree to pretend to be your bulldog and you have to own at least two suits and and a lot of railway shares. The old man had never heard of Aristotle or Patrick Matthew or the 33 other people who Charlie Darwin, in the second edition, politely admitted had thought up evolution, with and without natural selection, before him.
Eventually the old man did find some sort-of useful things out, or thought perhaps he had, but by then he had developed a personality problem. There was no-one to explain it to him, apart from the marginal issue of being grumpy, which his wife explained to him in detail, most days. He mostly talked to his friends, who were donkeys and a three-lefggd (that is what the laptop says) dingo. They found his theories fascinating, and quite good for a monkey and they tried to explain his basic problem. But he could not really ubderstand beven basic donkey or dingo, so after a few yaers, they gave up. He got confised, at tmes.
So when youngsters, eager for the definitive truth, asked him for pronouncements of clarity and authority about the small evil escaping things, that we will get to if remembered, he would launch into long rambling explanations of complex things. Their coffee would get cold, and he would forget to offer more. He was a disaster. They all called him Mr Dunno, B.Sc. (Basically Seriously confused).
Well, he beavered away regardless for many years, putting lots of words to paper and out into hyperspace. He carefully watched and reported on the small things escaping from underground and then from the hot boxes they hid in for a while. And, like with the cane toads, in time he came to think, they must have their uses. He had seen the cane toads eating mosquitoes while sitting for hours on his driveway, were there was not much else to eat, or he thought he had, though he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure because he rather liked the toads on the driveway, the rounder ones, and could not get himself to cut one up to see what was inside. He should of course have got one that already didn't care, and was wearing one of those bracelets that say the rellies don't mind what you do with the wreckage after a semi-trailer has interviewed it. But he could never find a flat one with a bracelet, so that project was stuck, for the moment.
He concentrated on the small escaping things instead. He watched them under an old microscope he had found on the tip. He
watched them from herds of satellites that people had forgotten all
about as soon as they were launched and that no-one was using. No-one seemed to mind.
Anyway, one day, taking a short stroll at smoko, he noticed that the small hot-box escapees visited the trees and that the trees seemed to like them. Later he went out with a torch. Most of them left again at night, but some stayed on. The trees were very kind folk and some of them fed him every day, so he thought, he would like the little devils himself, from then on. He thought although he felt he was getting a bit technical, they were perhaps more like little angels. Every morning, when he did not forget, he cheerily called out, "Good morning, carbon dioxide molecules. Have a Nice Day!" He knew the last bit of that greeting was very fashionable, because he had once been to one of those fancy new Supermarkets, and that is what a very pretty young lady had said to him, when they let him out. He never forgot it.
One day, when the busy little escaping people were being very nice to his favourite bunya tree, so it was just glowing with new leaves, he decided he would try and help them, because he was alarmed on their behalf. A possum told him she had heard a rumour that there was an awful plan afoot to bury them all. He could speak possum alright, and had no problems with the reversing verbs.
He decided he would walk to Gumboro, the most important village in the shire, and there explain what he had found, to St Kevin-the-Infinitely-Patient-Except-when-Ordering. The village was called "Gumboro" because all the folk there always had a lot on their gums. They mostly pushed words out that they had borrowed from other folk. They pushed out so many, that at times their lips nearly melted. The shire, just in case you want to look it up on Google Earth, has a very grand name. It is Terra Australis Incognito. It is always written in bold letters, like that, and comes, if you have audio, with drum rolls. That, in Latin, (which is the language the Pope uses when he did not wish to be too clearly understood, but feels he should speak up anyway, since so many have come so far), means "The Southern Land Where We Know Nothing." It really is a very grand name and everyone here models their lives on it. But as happens, in time it got shortened a bit, so now it is just "Trailya." Any new fashion, be it socks that glow in the dark or another war in Afghanistan - you can rely on us. We Trailya. So long as you come from the land of the landing-fee.
Anyway, old Mr Dunno found it easy to live in Gumboro, as the bins out the back were full of fine food, since far more came out of those hard-working folks' gums than ever went in. After only a few years, he got to see an assistant to the second secretary of an acting assistant to St Kevin himself.
After he was frisked and they took away his pies and sausage rolls, he said, he had come to say, that he had a new model. The man was very kind, but said they already had a new one, that Mike Someone, from the important village of Addledad in the deep south, had found wandering about in the kitchen, and who was very good at office work. He had sent her on. Old Dunno said, he was very pleased to hear that and that from the pictures he had seen, he had known she was herself very fetching and would not have to be fetched, but he was actually there about another sort of model. The great man looked puzzled, and his visitor saw he was clearly wondering if there was any other sort of model.
Old Dunno said he had come to talk about the small escaping things from downunder. The great man promptly said, he could go home with his mind at rest. All the people in Gumborough had their minds at rest, on everything actually, but on that in particular. It was a law-and-order problem. Compounded with border protection. Small evil things without a proper grounding in climate science and peer review reading, were escaping and then getting on boats, with no respect for national sovereignty or navy leave-roster schedules. They were then getting into an array of hot boxes, and then rushing out and beating up the full-fee-paying foreign trainee-suits in the hot-air camps that Gumboro was running. Out of pure kindness and the most sustainable of motives. They had to be detained, it was for their own good. They were getting out of black rocks and they had to go back there. It was not in anyway a racial thing, they could be put under white rocks. Some of those rocks were dry, and some were gummy, it was all very complex, but they had all the graphs. When he had said that, the great man smiled, looked up, and then said "Next." The lady who was so good at office work came in. Old Dunno recognised her from the magazine pictures and was very impressed.
As he told the donkeys and his three-legged dingo friend, when he got home, he had meant to explain that the small escaping things were actually angels who danced on pins, how he had carefully counted them all, and about his experiments in the icebox of the fridge with the magnet, and how it had perhaps melted all the ice. Though the big power blackout may have influenced the data slightly. But she had smiled at him so sweetly, he hd to admit, he quite forgot. And by then, the great man was already taking off his tie, so he knew it was time to go. The trees said never mind and gave him an extra two dozen really good macadamias, as they too had had welcome visitors.
The old Latin word "scio" means "I know." The old Latin word "cogito" means "I think" Or, if you prefer, "I dunno."
He was the first cognitist. Scientists, now as rare as alchemists, still don't like them much.
Hooroo all, and have fun.
Signalman Second Class Jones
Closeburn Signal Station, November 2009, just a few days before the Copenhagen Climate Conference.